I am the type of person who will totally break down, shut down when things start to get tough and go wrong. I get angry at myself, the people around me and even God. I hate not being in control. I’ve been this way most of my life and when I’m pregnant my negative reactions are worse.
At the beginning of this month we brought our youngest into the doctors and was told she has type 1 diabetes and she ended up being hospitalized for 6 days. My heart broke for her, I was mad at myself for not being able to protect her. But at the same time I didn’t shut down. I felt a PEACE in my heart that I couldn’t explain. It was this quiet voice telling me that everything was going to be ok and to be still in my heart/thoughts. While in the hospital we had many scarey and tough moments. Her second night in the hospital her blood sugars went so low that the nurse tried to say in a calm voice, “I need to call the doctor”. I could tell it was bad and she ended up back on an IV. My heart broke for her again and I was scared of how we would do this at home. BUT at the same time I felt this PEACE in my heart telling me everything was going to be ok, to be still. There was no freaking out like I usually do, I just held my daughter’s hand and told her I loved her. The whole time in the hospital I felt this PEACE. I was without sleep, I’m pregnant, and my daughter is very sick BUT I had PEACE. I’ve never felt such overwhelming peace before.
The day after my daughter was released from the hospital I was brought to the hospital with kidney stones. Usually when I have these stones I’m unable to control my reactions to the pain. Anyone who has had kidney stones before will know what I’m talking about. I usually am breathing really hard and really fast, I’m pacing trying to walk away from the pain that just wont stop and I moan loudly. My stones still have not passed but each time I go back to the hospital I am amazed at the peace I have. My breathing is almost regular, I’m able to sit and just rock and the moaning is very little. If you would look at me you might not even know I was hurting so extremely bad. And as anyone who has stones before will tell you, the pain is so bad you can’t control your actions. But for me all I felt with the stones (other then pain) was PEACE. And even as I would worry that I was hurting the baby with the stress my body was going through or hurting it with the pain meds I am given PEACE.
I have known God since I was 12 years old. I’ve loved and followed Him, I pray to Him, and try my best to serve Him. In all these years I’ve never felt such PEACE. But what I know is in the past I’ve always tried to fix things on my own, I didn’t want to bother God and at times I didn’t trust He’d do things I wanted to. And really I haven’t changed much but I have been letting go of myself and allowing God to take over. This PEACE has been so overwhelming and I don’t totally understand it, but I do know God is giving it to me. Anytime I start to feel like a situation this past month was spinning out of control I would all the sudden feel this PEACE and hear the words, “everything will be ok, be still.”
Thank you LORD for giving me peace. Thank you Lord for looking after my family, including my unborn child. I pray that more people will seek you for the one true peace they can have in their life.