I hate Diabetes and why I feel guily about it.

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Today marks the 4 month mark of our little Moo being diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes (T1D). That day turned our world upside down. We were devastated. Why is this happening to our little, sweet child? What did we do wrong? Did I feed her the wrong foods? Did I let her be around sick people too much? I know now that there was nothing we could have done to prevent this but it still makes me mad. I HATE diabetes!!

I hate having to pin down my child 4 times a day to inject insulin into her. (We have to wait til next year to qualify for a pump) I hate hearing her scream in pain because of the injections. I really hate when her blood sugar numbers go low. I hate when she cries because she has a massive headache because of the lows. I hate that I can’t make her better. I hate that I can’t take it all away. It breaks my heart hearing her say, “Mommy, is it ok that diabetes makes me sad?”

My child is a carefree and loving kid. I hate this is happening to her. This is a kid who doesn’t have just one favorite color but she loves them all. She said she loves all the colors of the rainbow because she doesn’t want to make one color sad. That heart of her cares so much. And here she is having to face this disease for the rest of her life. She will have to face pain, highs, lows, sicknesses and constantly having to count numbers of what she eats. It’s not fair, she should be allowed to be a kid.

Maybe this hate for T1D is stronger now because of what happened this weekend. We were visiting family in London and around dinner time Moo had a really low blood sugar number. So we made sure she ate all her dinner and checked her an hour after that. Her numbers were still low so we gave her a box of juice. That usually jumps her numbers up high and we don’t have to worry about the low anymore. 45 min after the juice we checked her again and she was still dangerously low, in fact her numbers went down after that juice instead of up. So we gave her cookies and decided to head home to deal with this. We weren’t even a block from our relative’s house and she started screaming in pain. Her head was hurting to bad. We knew it wasn’t wise to drive an hour home, so we took her to the ER. Thankfully they took her in right away. Within 15 minutes of getting a room she started throwing up. We knew that wasn’t good, her numbers weren’t going to go up if she couldn’t keep her food down. Thankfully we didn’t have to experience a seizure or her going into a diabetic coma, but it was so scary feeling helpless to help her. I hated seeing her in pain and not being able to help. We finally were able to get her numbers up and we found out she had an infection that was causing the lows. This week has been full of a lot of lows and a lot of highs, all because of an infection. This means there will be a lot of these lows in her future as well as a lot of scarey highs. A lifetime of this.

Last night was a long night again for us. We always check her at midnight and she was low. That meant checking her often throughout the rest of the night and forcing her to wake up and take something with sugar in it. These type of nights I hate the most. I’m scared to find her in a coma in the morning or worse dead. That’s another things I HATE about diabetes. I hate the sleepless nights as her mom, worrying that she will go low and I won’t know it and we’ll lose her. I often end up sitting by her bed watching her and praying over her.

So why do I feel guilty about hating diabetes? T1D is now part of my child, forever. Does this mean I hate part of her? Never! T1D has made her stronger. Does that mean I hate the person she is becoming? NO! T1D takes up a lot of our life. Does that mean I feel she’s not worth that time? Not at all! I hate that I hate T1D. I love my child, no matter what challenges we face and hating T1D makes me feel like I’m not loving her fully.

I try to look at the positives I’ve seen since her diagnosis. She’s become one of the most brave kids I’ve ever met. She knows her injections are going to hurt, yet she’ll bring me her needle and lay down for me to give her the injections. I don’t know a lot of people who would willingly face the pain she endures. She also has to face finger pokes 6+ times a day to test her blood, as well as having to go and get her blood drawn every other month to see if things are going well. I know I can’t stand needles and here is my 4 year old facing them daily.
Her compassion for others has grown so big. When she knows someone is sick she asks what we can do to help them feel better, and often she wants to hug them. She’s concerned about others getting diabetes and says, “maybe we should pray for them so they don’t have to have it.” Before this T1D took over our life she was loving but now her love is over flowing for others.
She’s become more social as well. Before she got sick she basically stuck to herself and didn’t make friends very easy. Now she’ll go up to random kids at the park and start playing with them. She’s very welcoming to strangers (to her, who are our friends) that come to visit us. She often shows them her play doctor kit and tests their blood and gives them an injection. She’s not afraid to share with anyone about her diabetes.

T1D has really changed our lives. Moo is an incredible kid. I love her with all my heart. So while I hate what diabetes does to her physically and I hate all the consequences from it, I still love my child, diabetes and all. It’s part of who she is and who she’ll become.

So my dear Moo, let your rainbow shine. Keep being you. I love you, every part of you.